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An empty third chair at a table set for two

Chapter 08 · of ten

Questions about having children to discuss before marriage

Opening answer

Before marriage, couples should discuss whether they want children, how certain they feel, possible timing, parenting roles, childcare, career impact, education, discipline, faith and how they would respond if their path to parenthood is different from what they expect.

Whether either person wants children and how certain they feel

Talk about whether before marriage.

Name your needs around either.

Write one fear about wants.

Write one hope about children.

Keep the talk specific and kind.

Use a recent real example.

Ask what your partner needs.

Listen without planning your reply.

Find one step you both accept.

Write that step in plain words.

Small steps beat perfect speeches.

Set a date to review it.

Review without reopening every wound.

If stuck pause and return later.

Returning later is still respect.

Clarity reduces repeated arguments later.

Repeated arguments need a clearer rule.

Rules should be kind and firm.

Firm does not mean cruel.

Care is the measure here.

Indian family life may shape this.

Name pressure without blaming whole families.

You two decide the household rule.

Loved ones can advise not command.

Practice one calm sentence alone.

Then say it when you are ready.

Update the plan when life changes.

Changes are normal after the wedding.

Possible timing

Talk about possible before marriage.

Name your needs around timing.

Write one fear about possible.

Write one hope about timing.

Keep the talk specific and kind.

Use a recent real example.

Ask what your partner needs.

Listen without planning your reply.

Find one step you both accept.

Write that step in plain words.

Small steps beat perfect speeches.

Set a date to review it.

Review without reopening every wound.

If stuck pause and return later.

Returning later is still respect.

Clarity reduces repeated arguments later.

Repeated arguments need a clearer rule.

Rules should be kind and firm.

Firm does not mean cruel.

Care is the measure here.

Indian family life may shape this.

Name pressure without blaming whole families.

You two decide the household rule.

Loved ones can advise not command.

Practice one calm sentence alone.

Then say it when you are ready.

Update the plan when life changes.

Changes are normal after the wedding.

Parenting responsibilities

Talk about parenting before marriage.

Name your needs around responsibilities.

Write one fear about parenting.

Write one hope about responsibilities.

Keep the talk specific and kind.

Use a recent real example.

Ask what your partner needs.

Listen without planning your reply.

Find one step you both accept.

Write that step in plain words.

Small steps beat perfect speeches.

Set a date to review it.

Review without reopening every wound.

If stuck pause and return later.

Returning later is still respect.

Clarity reduces repeated arguments later.

Repeated arguments need a clearer rule.

Rules should be kind and firm.

Firm does not mean cruel.

Care is the measure here.

Indian family life may shape this.

Name pressure without blaming whole families.

You two decide the household rule.

Loved ones can advise not command.

Practice one calm sentence alone.

Then say it when you are ready.

Update the plan when life changes.

Changes are normal after the wedding.

Childcare

Talk about childcare before marriage.

Name your needs around childcare.

Write one fear about childcare.

Write one hope about childcare.

Keep the talk specific and kind.

Use a recent real example.

Ask what your partner needs.

Listen without planning your reply.

Find one step you both accept.

Write that step in plain words.

Small steps beat perfect speeches.

Set a date to review it.

Review without reopening every wound.

If stuck pause and return later.

Returning later is still respect.

Clarity reduces repeated arguments later.

Repeated arguments need a clearer rule.

Rules should be kind and firm.

Firm does not mean cruel.

Care is the measure here.

Indian family life may shape this.

Name pressure without blaming whole families.

You two decide the household rule.

Loved ones can advise not command.

Practice one calm sentence alone.

Then say it when you are ready.

Update the plan when life changes.

Changes are normal after the wedding.

Education and discipline

Talk about education before marriage.

Name your needs around discipline.

Write one fear about education.

Write one hope about discipline.

Keep the talk specific and kind.

Use a recent real example.

Ask what your partner needs.

Listen without planning your reply.

Find one step you both accept.

Write that step in plain words.

Small steps beat perfect speeches.

Set a date to review it.

Review without reopening every wound.

If stuck pause and return later.

Returning later is still respect.

Clarity reduces repeated arguments later.

Repeated arguments need a clearer rule.

Rules should be kind and firm.

Firm does not mean cruel.

Care is the measure here.

Indian family life may shape this.

Name pressure without blaming whole families.

You two decide the household rule.

Loved ones can advise not command.

Practice one calm sentence alone.

Then say it when you are ready.

Update the plan when life changes.

Changes are normal after the wedding.

Grandparents and family pressure

Talk about grandparents before marriage.

Name your needs around family.

Write one fear about pressure.

Write one hope about grandparents.

Keep the talk specific and kind.

Use a recent real example.

Ask what your partner needs.

Listen without planning your reply.

Find one step you both accept.

Write that step in plain words.

Small steps beat perfect speeches.

Set a date to review it.

Review without reopening every wound.

If stuck pause and return later.

Returning later is still respect.

Clarity reduces repeated arguments later.

Repeated arguments need a clearer rule.

Rules should be kind and firm.

Firm does not mean cruel.

Care is the measure here.

Indian family life may shape this.

Name pressure without blaming whole families.

You two decide the household rule.

Loved ones can advise not command.

Practice one calm sentence alone.

Then say it when you are ready.

Update the plan when life changes.

Changes are normal after the wedding.

Values and family traditions

Talk about values before marriage.

Name your needs around family.

Write one fear about traditions.

Write one hope about values.

Keep the talk specific and kind.

Use a recent real example.

Ask what your partner needs.

Listen without planning your reply.

Find one step you both accept.

Write that step in plain words.

Small steps beat perfect speeches.

Set a date to review it.

Review without reopening every wound.

If stuck pause and return later.

Returning later is still respect.

Clarity reduces repeated arguments later.

Repeated arguments need a clearer rule.

Rules should be kind and firm.

Firm does not mean cruel.

Care is the measure here.

Indian family life may shape this.

Name pressure without blaming whole families.

You two decide the household rule.

Loved ones can advise not command.

Practice one calm sentence alone.

Then say it when you are ready.

Update the plan when life changes.

Changes are normal after the wedding.

Uncertainty and alternative paths

Talk about uncertainty before marriage.

Name your needs around alternative.

Write one fear about paths.

Write one hope about uncertainty.

Keep the talk specific and kind.

Use a recent real example.

Ask what your partner needs.

Listen without planning your reply.

Find one step you both accept.

Write that step in plain words.

Small steps beat perfect speeches.

Set a date to review it.

Review without reopening every wound.

If stuck pause and return later.

Returning later is still respect.

Clarity reduces repeated arguments later.

Repeated arguments need a clearer rule.

Rules should be kind and firm.

Firm does not mean cruel.

Care is the measure here.

Indian family life may shape this.

Name pressure without blaming whole families.

You two decide the household rule.

Loved ones can advise not command.

Practice one calm sentence alone.

Then say it when you are ready.

Update the plan when life changes.

Changes are normal after the wedding.

Choosing not to have children

Talk about choosing before marriage.

Name your needs around not.

Write one fear about have.

Write one hope about children.

Keep the talk specific and kind.

Use a recent real example.

Ask what your partner needs.

Listen without planning your reply.

Find one step you both accept.

Write that step in plain words.

Small steps beat perfect speeches.

Set a date to review it.

Review without reopening every wound.

If stuck pause and return later.

Returning later is still respect.

Clarity reduces repeated arguments later.

Repeated arguments need a clearer rule.

Rules should be kind and firm.

Firm does not mean cruel.

Care is the measure here.

Indian family life may shape this.

Name pressure without blaming whole families.

You two decide the household rule.

Loved ones can advise not command.

Practice one calm sentence alone.

Then say it when you are ready.

Update the plan when life changes.

Changes are normal after the wedding.

Answered on your own, first

Questions to answer

Do you need to agree on children before marriage?

Focus especially on need here.

Focus especially on agree here.

Focus especially on children here.

Answer this alone before talking.

Use one concrete recent example.

Name what you want instead.

Name what you can offer.

Keep blame off this page.

Describe behaviour not whole character.

Ask what your partner needs.

Listen without preparing a rebuttal.

Find one step both accept.

Write the step in plain words.

Small steps beat perfect speeches.

Set a time to review it.

Review without reopening every wound.

If stuck pause then return.

Returning is part of respect.

You can update the step.

Updates are not failures here.

Clarity reduces later repeated fights.

Repeated fights need a clearer rule.

Keep the rule kind and firm.

Say one appreciative sentence after.

Appreciation lowers the room temperature.

Stop when the page feels enough.

Bring only what you choose later.

This prepares a calmer conversation.

Calm does not mean avoiding truth.

Truth without humiliation is the aim.

Aim for workable not perfect.

Workable plans survive ordinary weeks.

Ordinary weeks are the real test.

When should couples have kids?

Focus especially on when here.

Focus especially on should here.

Focus especially on couples here.

Answer this alone before talking.

Use one concrete recent example.

Name what you want instead.

Name what you can offer.

Keep blame off this page.

Describe behaviour not whole character.

Ask what your partner needs.

Listen without preparing a rebuttal.

Find one step both accept.

Write the step in plain words.

Small steps beat perfect speeches.

Set a time to review it.

Review without reopening every wound.

If stuck pause then return.

Returning is part of respect.

You can update the step.

Updates are not failures here.

Clarity reduces later repeated fights.

Repeated fights need a clearer rule.

Keep the rule kind and firm.

Say one appreciative sentence after.

Appreciation lowers the room temperature.

Stop when the page feels enough.

Bring only what you choose later.

This prepares a calmer conversation.

Calm does not mean avoiding truth.

Truth without humiliation is the aim.

Aim for workable not perfect.

Workable plans survive ordinary weeks.

Ordinary weeks are the real test.

What parenting questions should you ask?

Focus especially on what here.

Focus especially on parenting here.

Focus especially on questions here.

Answer this alone before talking.

Use one concrete recent example.

Name what you want instead.

Name what you can offer.

Keep blame off this page.

Describe behaviour not whole character.

Ask what your partner needs.

Listen without preparing a rebuttal.

Find one step both accept.

Write the step in plain words.

Small steps beat perfect speeches.

Set a time to review it.

Review without reopening every wound.

If stuck pause then return.

Returning is part of respect.

You can update the step.

Updates are not failures here.

Clarity reduces later repeated fights.

Repeated fights need a clearer rule.

Keep the rule kind and firm.

Say one appreciative sentence after.

Appreciation lowers the room temperature.

Stop when the page feels enough.

Bring only what you choose later.

This prepares a calmer conversation.

Calm does not mean avoiding truth.

Truth without humiliation is the aim.

Aim for workable not perfect.

Workable plans survive ordinary weeks.

Ordinary weeks are the real test.

What if one wants children and the other is unsure?

Focus especially on what here.

Focus especially on wants here.

Focus especially on children here.

Answer this alone before talking.

Use one concrete recent example.

Name what you want instead.

Name what you can offer.

Keep blame off this page.

Describe behaviour not whole character.

Ask what your partner needs.

Listen without preparing a rebuttal.

Find one step both accept.

Write the step in plain words.

Small steps beat perfect speeches.

Set a time to review it.

Review without reopening every wound.

If stuck pause then return.

Returning is part of respect.

You can update the step.

Updates are not failures here.

Clarity reduces later repeated fights.

Repeated fights need a clearer rule.

Keep the rule kind and firm.

Say one appreciative sentence after.

Appreciation lowers the room temperature.

Stop when the page feels enough.

Bring only what you choose later.

This prepares a calmer conversation.

Calm does not mean avoiding truth.

Truth without humiliation is the aim.

Aim for workable not perfect.

Workable plans survive ordinary weeks.

Ordinary weeks are the real test.

Who will handle childcare?

Focus especially on will here.

Focus especially on handle here.

Focus especially on childcare here.

Answer this alone before talking.

Use one concrete recent example.

Name what you want instead.

Name what you can offer.

Keep blame off this page.

Describe behaviour not whole character.

Ask what your partner needs.

Listen without preparing a rebuttal.

Find one step both accept.

Write the step in plain words.

Small steps beat perfect speeches.

Set a time to review it.

Review without reopening every wound.

If stuck pause then return.

Returning is part of respect.

You can update the step.

Updates are not failures here.

Clarity reduces later repeated fights.

Repeated fights need a clearer rule.

Keep the rule kind and firm.

Say one appreciative sentence after.

Appreciation lowers the room temperature.

Stop when the page feels enough.

Bring only what you choose later.

This prepares a calmer conversation.

Calm does not mean avoiding truth.

Truth without humiliation is the aim.

Aim for workable not perfect.

Workable plans survive ordinary weeks.

Ordinary weeks are the real test.

Solo exercise

My starting point on children

You do not need to have this figured out. Use these steps to describe where you are today, in your own words. Wanting children, not wanting children and being unsure are all available starting points. You can skip any step.

Start on your own. No email, phone number or sign-up required. You can skip any step.

Your answers stay on this page and clear when you reset or reload it.

Related reading

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In the Prevow app

How this chapter works there

Chapter one is free in full.

Each partner answers alone first.

Neither sees answers until both finish.

Prevow is on the App Store.

There are ten chapters in order.

Nothing is graded or ranked.

No percentage of your bond appears.

You prepare words on your own.

Then you talk when ready.

The order keeps both people steadier.

Chapter one is free in full.

Each partner answers alone first.

From people who used Prevow

Experiences with the Prevow app

We'd both said 'someday' about children. It turned out we had very different timelines in mind.

Varun B.

Chapter 1 is free.

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