The questions to ask before you marry.
Before marriage, discuss money, family, conflict, careers, home, friendships, intimacy, children, faith and your expectations for the first year. Ask open questions, allow either person to pause, and explore what your answers would mean in daily life.
Start with a short premarital reflection exercise, then choose a topic below.
Preparing for a first meeting? See questions for a first arranged-marriage meeting.
A short premarital reflection
Take a few minutes on your own. Reflect on the steps below or skip any you prefer. You do not need a partner, an email address or a sign-up.
Start on your own. No email, phone number or sign-up required. You can skip any step.
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The ten chapters, in order.
01
Money and how you'll decide
- What money mistake are you most afraid of us making?
- What would you buy without telling me, and at what price does that change?
- Whose name is on what, and why that way?
02
Family and the two of you
- Which family expectation are you dreading, and what do you want me to say?
- How much do we give, and who decides it?
- What does a good relationship with my parents look like to you?
03
Conflict and how you repair
- How do you know when I have stopped listening?
- What ends an argument for you, and what only pauses it?
- Who apologised first in your family, and did it work?
04
Careers and whose moves
- If one of us is offered the job of a lifetime in another city, what happens?
- Whose work gets to be the emergency?
- What would make you say a job is not worth it?
05
Home and what you'll keep
- What does a home need to have before you can relax in it?
- Who does the work neither of us wants to name?
- How near your family, or mine, is near enough?
06
Friendships and time apart
- What do you need an evening away from me for?
- Which friendship of mine worries you?
- What is the last thing you would give up for us?
07
Intimacy and closeness
- What makes you feel wanted when neither of us is trying?
- How do we say no to each other without it costing anything?
- What is harder to ask for now than it was a year ago?
08
Children and the question of them
- If the answer turned out to be no, what would we do?
- What kind of parent do you already know you would be?
- Whose days change first, and for how long?
09
Faith ritual and the everyday
- Which day of the year would you refuse to give up?
- What do you want a child of ours taught, if anything?
- Where do you want to be married, and who decides that?
10
The first year rehearsed
- What would tell you the first year had gone well?
- What do you expect to be harder after the wedding than before it?
- When do we sit down and go through all of this again?
Chapter one is free in full, including every question in it.
Before you start.
When should you ask these questions?
Before the wedding, while there is still room to change your mind about something small. Prevow paces the ten chapters to your wedding date so one arrives at a time rather than all ten at once.
How many questions should you ask before you marry?
Fewer than the lists suggest, and more slowly. Thirty questions you both answered honestly are worth more than a hundred read aloud in one evening.
What if our answers do not match?
Most of them will not, and that is the useful part. Prevow never sums the two of you up or ranks the answers, it opens them side by side and leaves you to talk.
Do we both need to answer?
Yes. Each of you answers on your own first, and neither side opens until both are finished. That is the whole mechanism.
Photograph to come
two mugs and an open notebook on a kitchen table after a conversation, nobody in frame